Miami (Day Four): In Which We Make Jet Skiing Look Good

I love jet skiing. I hopped on one for the first time when I was 16 and was forever changed. We go together like peanut butter and jelly, Laverne and Shirley, Lil’ Wayne and obscene face tattoos. It’s love at it’s purest.

Plus, can you even think about the city of Miami without thinking about jet skiing? How many images of Will Smith, Don Johnson and Rosie O’Donnell zooming around Star Island have you seen in your lifetime? Probably too many. That’s why El and I felt compelled to book a sightseeing tour via jet ski on our last full day in the 305 (to quote Pitbull, if I may).

We went through Jet-Ski Tours of Miami, and they were wonderful from start to finish. Our day started out with a certain car rental company screwing us over, so we were late meeting our tour guide in Coconut Grove. I called to let them know and they were more than understanding.

After a 30-minute cab ride, we finally got to the dock to meet with two guys who worked for the company. One guy, who I shall call Cubano, helped us with all the paperwork and gave us the low-down on all the nitty-gritty stuff, like what happens if we get run over by a yacht, and so on. The other guy, Richard, who was HILARIOUS and my spirit animal, was to be our tour guide. He would be on a separate jet ski, making sure to point out all of the cool buildings and celeb sightings (NOT) and he’d be the guy to call the cops if we got run over by a yacht, etc.

I was in the driver seat first, and I have to admit, I was a little nervous. We were surrounded by many, many expensive boats that were just ASKING to be smacked into, and I hadn’t driven a jet ski since high school. But it’s like riding a bike, right? God bless El for putting her life in my hands.

(I would just like to take a moment to say that yes, I forgot to take off my huge gold hoop earrings, and no, I do not think I’m J.Lo I just got a little absent-minded ok?!)

Before I knew what was happening, Cubano had pushed us off of the dock and we were off! Richard made fun of me pretty much every 5 minutes because I was scared to go over like, 20 mph. Once you hit a huge wave and go airborn for three seconds, you start to become a little timid. But still, just for a moment, everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

And then Richard’s jet ski broke and we got stranded on an island.

So, that was kind of a bummer. While waiting 20 minutes for Cubano and Co. to come switch jet skis, we played with hermit crabs and this guy:

It was a lot like being on Lost, except with less smoke monsters and more sense.

And then it was Eleanor’s turn to drive.

I’M KIDDING! El was a fabulous first-timer, and the tour only went up from there. Among the things we got to see were:

• A MANATEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
• A stingray
• Dolphins
• A rich person’s nanny walking an impossibly tiny dog
• Richard’s bum

We had a blast. My thighs and hands hurt 4daze after from gripping the jet ski so hard, and I’m pretty sure I lost my voice from screaming so much, but battle wounds like that only mean you had a great time. I want to thank Cubano, Richard and everyone else at Jet Ski Tours of Miami for being so rad, and I want to thank Monty’s for providing us with such a delicious lunch after our afternoon jet-skiing adventure!

- Alison