Top 5 Things I Learned In Miami

It’s been about a month since I got back from Florida, and I’m still talking about it. Since you’re probably sick of me and my Sunshine State ramblings (haha, jokes! I know that’s not possible), you’ll be happy to know that this is my big wrap-up blog post. So, without further ado, here’s my list of the Top 5 Things I Learned In Miami:

1. Trying to rent a car in America sucks.

I alluded to this incident in my last post, but I can’t even begin to convey the nonsense that occurred when we tried to rent a car for a few hours.

• The company showed up to our hotel 30 minutes late, even though we specifically told them that we had to be somewhere downtown
• They wanted a copy of El’s insurance papers, because of course she was carrying those around with her like chapstick or something
• They wanted to charge us a deposit of $500 “just in case”
• They also wanted to charge us for having two drivers on the contract solely because I was paying, not because I was actually intending to drive

As Amy Winehouse once said, “What kind of f*ckery is this?” I slammed the door so hard on the way out that they called me later to ask if I was angry. I drove the entire Great Ocean Road in Melbourne in a rented car, and it was easier than catching a re-run of Law & Order: SVU on a weeknight. Let me repeat: A car rental company in Australia, who knew I was a barely-22-year-old American about to zoom around sharp corners and cliffs on the OPPOSITE side of the road, gave me a car without a second thought. I will never understand why this process was so difficult, and God help that company if I ever remember their name (I’m 24 now guys, my Alzheimers is setting in). You will all be notified via mass email.

2. Miami automatically bills you 18% gratuity on everything, including buckets of Corona.

I could move to Miami tomorrow and live there for years, and I would still be shocked whenever I went to pay a bill. I remember there was one night at The Clevelander where I ordered exactly two shots of tequila (Reposada, it was delicious). When the bartender slammed down my receipt, I nearly fainted because I thought I had mistakenly bought a whole bottle.

This is also why there’s a nice man named Jason at my credit card company who knows me very, very well.

3. Public transportation in Miami: Take the bus, avoid the train.

The bus system in Miami is efficient, on time, and costs a quarter. The train is grimey, doesn’t really go anywhere you need to go, and is the opposite of fast. We waited for almost an hour for a train to come pick us up in Coconut Grove, and when we finally got on, the floor was covered in tar and my sandal got stuck, causing my bare foot to come out of the straps and onto the floor. I’m still traumatized.

4. When a waiter in Miami propositions you for a threesome, he’s just being polite.

I won’t say anything else about this, other than posting this specific picture that definitely does not show the name of the restaurant where the propositioning occurs. No. I would never do that.

And also, ew.

5. Florida gets cold sometimes.

This is a hard thing for a New Englander to understand, so bear with me. I’ve always thought that the entire state of Florida was constantly experiencing one big year-round spring break party, where the drinks are always cold and the sun is always hot. So when I packed for this vacation, I threw in one pair of pants and one sweater for the occasional light breeze.

I wore the sweater every day and cursed myself for not packing more weather-appropriate items. We did get to lay out on the beach in our bathing suits one afternoon, but it was quite chilly otherwise. I even wore boots out one night (the horror!). I would advise anyone going to Florida from November - April to bring multiple pairs of pants and a jacket, no matter how much it pains you to do so.

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Have anything else to add to this really comprehensive list?

Cheers,

Alison